Withdrawn (Growth: Part 4)

(Finished September 10, 2023)

Would you care to pay my side of town a visit sometime?

I’m tired of my voice breaking over the line

Would you care to read the unfinished story I wrote and left on the shelf?

No room for error I’ve ever left myself

And so I stand on the edge of this stream, watching life flow

Living in the fear of drowning in any waters sullied

Do you think it’ll all catch up to me, all that I’ve let go?

Would it all be coming up to the surface again if it were really buried?

And so I ask, when will I get out of the habit

Of fading away, no words said, amidst all feelings erupt

Stone in the way of the river stream, fooled that it can obstruct

What comes down the river, only left to erode in the face of time’s conduct

Set aside at the bank, where is there left to go?

Like the stone, I sink; To what depths, I don’t know

Fully submerged, feeling so light as I can’t breathe in

Wish I had a weight to get off my chest, but I’d just rather reach the deep end

Withdrawn from all that the tides have yet to bring, met with the river’s stillness

If you saw things from where I’m at, there’d be no telling the days apart

I’ve tried to bring it all back to the surface, but I guess ignorance is bliss

In the face of the river, I’ve only found myself adrift

And I thought I found myself a way off this path

Medicated to me, a dosage of subduing rue and wrath

But here come the same days with the same memories

And how do I not face them with the same weaknesses I ask

Replaying for me all the agonies, here is all the mind sees

So excuse me if I stumble as I go out into the world, eyes blank and face masked

How would navigating all that lies before me I know

When even to my depths I have no way to go

I wish I could welcome you in, but this shell is no home

Tried to blur all thoughts, but crazy how pain is carried in flesh and bone

Emotion sunken in my face, carried like heavy stone

A stirring in my heart I feel, from it though the spirit has withdrawn

I remember my earlier intentions for this piece when I planned it a long time back. I planned on writing this piece months before I had gotten off my antidepressants, wondering how the process of withdrawal would turn out to be. Months have gone by, and I’m still struggling to word my thoughts on growth in general; it sort of seems like I’ve cursed these pieces in a way as there really isn’t a constant emotion I can grasp in the face of growth and supposedly, healing. These feelings have all been growing, brewing inside me. Although, I haven’t been attending to them as of late if I were to be completely honest. A critical time it is in my life and so much has to be dealt with at the exterior; getting my Ph.D. done, planning the next step, and just dealing with the day-to-day responsibilities of being an adult. As much as I can see myself falling into the pattern of withdrawing from everyone around me, I can also see that I’ve been somewhat withdrawing from myself. And because of this, I feel like I’ve been dealing with so much pent-up rage; I haven’t been allowing myself a proper release, so much so that I can’t really distinguish what could be causing any of this discomfort. I remember towards the end of being on antidepressants, I felt this weird numbness. I somewhat feel the same way now. There are times though that I am perfectly fine with it and actually feel a lightness from not succumbing to what lies deep within. But I know that I’m going to need to deal with this all at some point.
I know this feeling of losing connection to myself. I can clearly see it in my inability to muster up any words, any sort of lines of verse. I feel like I’ve become so limited in the vernacular available to me, that my every attempt at expressing myself has been quite premature. But I try, I yearn to stay in touch. I was by the waves of a lake and was gifted with the first few verses of this poem. A lot of talk went on in my head today, so much more that I wanted to include here. But I think all that I really want to say is I wish to be more conscious of my depths as well as my surroundings. I still yearn to learn how to not lose myself with how out of control everything can be.