Interlude 3: No Man Is an Island, But I Am No Man

(Written July 28, 2023)

Breaking my silence is something I cannot bring myself to do. The best I can do is write this in the silence of my own company, knowing that nothing will come out of it.

I have reached my breaking point, again. In what seemed like a moment that reminded me of what brought me into therapy the first time around, it happened. Even the circumstances of why it did were very similar. I can’t tell if it has affected me in the same way, however. Throughout my many depressive episodes, I’d usually complain about all of the noise in my head, but now, things have gone silent, which has turned out to be even scarier. There used to be a constant battle in my head, but now, it feels like there’s nothing worth fighting for; all is a losing battle. I have ridden the waves of my ups and downs but now I fear the plateau at this low I cannot get out of. I’ve been thinking of going back into therapy and even tried to (may my health insurance company be damned), but I constantly doubt what more can be done. I’m aware of the tools therapy provides and am also hyper-aware of the thought patterns my mind slides into, and I can also say that I’m not really submitting to any internal despair or agony. I face this all now and just go blank. I feel so much but ultimately understand how irrational it can all be. I yearn for love so particular and yet I know that I cannot get what is not in the hearts of others. I have taken my place and cannot change it.

I cannot change my place amongst my family after the great loss we’ve suffered. I cannot have room to lean on anyone when I am the one to be leaned on. I cannot weaken when they depend on my strength to pull through. I cannot change that I will always have to give more. Because in reality, there’s not much more that can attract people to me. I am so retracted into the world inside me, so much so that I feel like I barely have contact with anything around me. I feel like a stranger to my family. I feel like a stranger to my friends. I feel like a stranger even to myself sometimes, and this is not the first time for me to write this. An alien I am, trying to grasp human contact in the most-surface level ways possible, whether that be running errands, listening endlessly to someone’s complaints, giving someone a good laugh, giving out gifts, or pulling out whatever I can possible. All that I am to people is out there, leaving all that is within me unattended for. And I just do not know what there is to do to merge the gap.

I feel like I no longer have the will to merge the gap. Constantly operating under this haze of whether I’m right or wrong, whether I really do deserve more, I just do not have the energy to convey all these desires anymore. Paradoxically giving without wanting anything in return and yet drowning in the void left by the lack of sustenance of reciprocation, I must realize that the laws governing my mind are not that of the physical world. My family will not necessarily realize how separated of a life I now lead. My friends will not necessarily have the capacity for someone so bedridden by depression. It’s not because they lack love, it’s just that you can’t expect the world to slow down for you. You can’t expect the world to wait for you while you’re so hung up on the little sorrows and agonies your mind has presented you for the day. You can’t expect the ping-pong of conversation to suddenly become a game of chess. People will wonder what is wrong, what is going on, but there’s no one going down the excavation of your issues with you. And to be honest, I’ve barely been doing that myself.

I feel like there is no return to the mask. I don’t see this as a phase with me going back to my bubbly persona soon after to blend in. I feel myself drifting away and making use of the fast pace of everyone's lives to facilitate that. If we really look into things, nothing has really changed. There’s nothing particularly going haywire to cause me to be so distraught. I just feel so out of place, I feel so out of the loop. I feel like I just don’t belong anywhere and to be honest, I’m not sure if I am in a place to fight for that. I am nearing a new transition in life, and I guess life has shown me how I usually never take anything with me on my way out. My latest departure has shown me how out of place I can return to be, and so I don’t see myself any longer having a place when it comes time for me to move on. I think I’ve only just now been able to vocalize what I’ve been feeling lately. Subconsciously, I’ve been dealing with the repercussions of this being the beginning to the end. I’ve already started the process of withdrawal to ease the transition for myself. Drowning out the blurriness of my mind to utter nothingness, I’m trying to erase all traces that could be left of me. And here I am, in the air, not wanting to be held onto. I stand here on my own, knowing that that is the last thing I want, but I just can’t bring myself to hold onto anything anymore. No man is an island, but I am no man.