Interlude 1: Precursors to the Need of Breaking the Façade

(Written August 29, 2022)

This is a journal entry that I needed to expunge from my inner depths today. I have almost never shared any of my journal entries publically due to their raw and somewhat demeaning nature. But I felt that this was an essential milestone in need of actual documentation; a mental landmark that I need easy access to, not just a thought that I want to throw away. These feelings have been building up for quite a while, and are a big reason why I finally decided on writing Project Façade. I have been afraid of exposing this much of myself, so afraid that I have denied myself of delving this deep. But here we are.

I have felt the pain of my body rejecting my soul.
I have felt the pain of my soul feeling trapped in my body.
I have felt the pain of my soul losing all spirit.
I have been brought to the light, but all that has done is create a bigger fight in my head.
I was wrong, all along.
I am walking this earth anew.
I have become aware of the demise of my own mind.
How cruel of a place it has been.
But I am still stumbling, trying to find my way out.
Blind I was to the colors around me, and I now have the vision to see them, to embrace them.
But where do I begin?

The pills can numb the pain, but the pain has not gone away.
I have been digging again for the pain.
I have been digging again in my head.
I have come to know that I cannot deny the pain.
I have come to know that I am weak.
But in that, I can finally rejoice.
For I have always denied myself the weakness of a human.
For I have always denied myself the fragility of a human.
There was a time I wished everyone around me would give me the grace of breaking down.
But I myself did not give myself that.
And so today, I cry and do not worry about my tears going dry.
I want to end the pain, I do.
I have been in these dark depths before.
But the difference now is that I want to live.
I want to live, I want to live.

I want this body to feel life.
I want this soul to regain spirit.
This is a new path I tread.
These desires of mine are just learning to whisper.
I have feared the void of numbness, have tried to fill it with as much darkness as I could.
Never did I think I’d be more fearful of seeing the light, of being full and yet light.
Oh, for how long have I feared life?
For how long have I feared loss?
For long enough to keep on losing what was never in the reach of my hands.

I’ve just come back from a long, dutiful trip.
Lost with it was the sense of space and time.
Lost with it was the feeling of home.
Back to where my life began was where this trip did as well.
It had been years since I was in this place that I felt had become lifetimes away.
I wonder if I followed in his footsteps.
I waited for him, but he never came.
For the first time, I realized he truly is gone.
He hasn’t been hidden away from me.
And I feel like I don’t have the power to follow in his footsteps.
But I must understand that this is not what is being asked of me.
I felt like a stranger to my family, a stranger to my friends.
I felt like a stranger to myself.

Accept the change.
Accept that this has all been brought about because of the change, not despite it.
And accept that life is ever-changing and that that is not in your control.

You do not have to be in control of the best that will come for you.

Back to where it all began I was, away from where it, for now, ends I am.

I pray to lose control without losing myself.
I pray to see that losing control is not a loss.
I can roam about the world without knowing the way, but not be lost.

And with that, I begin my day.