If I Could (Façade: Part 5)

(Finished November 20, 2022)

Gardens of roses, but I only crave the petals of what you’d rather give another

Enough tears have streamed down to sprout from this rocky road all sorts of flowers

Don’t mind the blood stemming from your thorns

Don’t mind how my heart is so woefully torn

Don’t mind the cracks and cracks you see in my poor façade

There’s no escaping all this pain; If I could, I would

So small, so small you can be here on your own

But so small, so small I felt despite not being lone

Oh, how much did I have to shrink something so all-consuming

Slowly burning to ashes as I’ve tried to hide that I’m fuming

It ought to be hard to finally reach something you so greatly longed for

Easily I tried to let you into all I’ve hidden from each locked door

Oh, but Alas! The broken can only cling to the shards of a half-empty glass

Seeing it mirror your sorrows; no flow to the water as so to this impasse

But if I could, I would have been a candle in your hand

Burning away to light your way to healing till the very end

But these flames were destined to die out being hidden from the air

These feelings were of no meaning not being tended to with the same care

So long, so long I’ve been here on my own

But for so long, so long I couldn’t find to myself a way all alone

Oh, how much did I have to shrivel inward to see that I wasn’t good enough

Heart bleeding on my sleeve, now seething beneath my cuff

It ought to be naive to think all that’s in your head could be found beyond

With every inflection, what a misdirection I hoped for in every sound

Oh, but Alas! Back to a limerencing past that was always bound to be crass

Been here before, but why am I not sure that this will one day finally pass

If I could, I would pull it all out of my heart

If I could, I would wish that we always stayed apart

Oh, and now that it is known, there is no more I can ask of you

Fading away as if nothing happened is the best that one can do

It’s been a long time coming to finally get this done.
I wrote the first few lines a long time ago, maybe before I even started this project, and must I say, they always had a bitter taste to them.
How out of it I was…
I remember a while back, I actually wanted to name this part “Foolish I Choose To Be”, but I’ve come to find that this was truly something that I did not choose. Constantly, I would tell myself that if I could, I would run away from all of this.
It was hard to write this piece because I can’t really say that there’s much of it that I still truly carry with me. This is more so the expulsion of any hurt that might still be within me deep down inside. But I can say with full confidence — it has passed.
I remember linking up again with my therapist after a long while and her mentioning two specific words in her conversation with me — façade and candle; two words I had already written down and found a meaning in. Now getting through all of this, it’s weird to realize how obvious it all was, how much pain I truly endured. I felt so small, so undeserving, and I felt that my feelings were of absolute no importance. The amount of shame that I felt was immeasurable. But now, I walk without the façade. I may have lost something that, at the time, was near and dear to my heart, but I was able to win myself. I think what has been the most shocking is realizing that I had the strength to speak my truth all along.
I now move forward feeling much kinder towards myself.
I see the future now as a face with no features, but somehow, I have become much more welcoming of this guest. I can finally say that I have come to appreciate what is here for me in this very moment. For a moment, the world seemed so narrow and it was almost like life had offered me all that it could give. I now see, however, that life is still only going to begin. Empty I am, and yet so full. Who knew hope could be found in the void. I leave all these feelings to the past, and feel that so much is to come. I haven’t stumbled upon any new verses yet; I don’t quite have anything in mind. And yet, I can feel so much poetry within me, so many new meanings waiting to be embraced. I walk this earth anew, or should I say, I walk this earth finally myself.